It’s a hard to accept.
According to Jia Jiang and his work on rejection, it touches us deep inside and causes pain that is equivalent to being struck, like a slap in the face.
Most of us get the advice to make a plan for our success. 1 year, 3 year, 5 year, 10 year. Each year we are suppose to revise, reflect, make adjustment and move on. But what if our plan runs into the Rejection Roadblock?
What does Rejection do?
I heard about Jia Jiang’s 100 Days of Rejection story through Todd Henry’s Accidental Creative Podcast episode Confronting Rejection In Life and Work. Later, I listened to Jiang’s interview with Jeff Brown on The ReadToLead podcast. In both interviews, Jiang describes how his fear of rejection almost paralyzed him from going out and chasing his dream of being an entrepreneur and how his wife really pushed him to not quit but keep going. In the 100 Days of Rejection, Jia purposefully seeks out rejection in order to become better at dealing with it.
Rejection as Learning and Change
“Sorry, but you’re just not what we’re looking for.”
In a four year span I heard that phrase, or something similar, over 30 times in my attempt to obtain a central office position. Yeah, that’s a lot of interviews and most people when they hear that comment
“Why keep trying?”
I also believe most people think “What’s wrong with this guy? There must be something wrong with him.”
That’s what I began to think too! There must be something wrong with me.
This is exactly what Jia says we do with rejection, we make it about us when it really isn’t, it’s about the other person. I recommend you listen to the interviews and check out the website.
The first couple of times I heard that I had been rejected it was really, really hard. At one point I decided that I wasn’t going to try any more, rationalizing that I didn’t have the skills or ability for such work. Compounding this was my battle with depression into which I would plunge after each attempt. I knew I wanted to do something different but was getting nowhere. Climbing out of depression became harder and harder.
Like Jiang, my wife supported me and encouraged me to continue. Without her love and insistence, I wouldn’t have faced my fear of depression and sought help. Eventually I tried again, only to meet more rejection. I began to wonder what was happening during the interviews. Was it something I was doing? Was it my answers? My experience? My suit? What? I began to ask for feedback. What where two or three things that I could do that would help. I received some great feedback at times. Others times, not so much.
As Jia Jiang points out, we take these rejections as affronts to us as individuals and, usually, we try to avoid such pain, avoiding any chance that we’ll be rejected. As I did more interviews and went through the process it helped me to become much more reflective and honest about my own strengths and weaknesses but, more importantly, what I really wanted to do. I came to realize that, in fact, it was time to do something different.
Maybe’s It’s Time to Quit
Stephen Dubner and Steven Levitt book, Freakonomics, is an interesting mix of economics and seemingly miscellaneous and unconnected phenomenon. Their podcast – Freakonomics Radio – hosted by Stephen Dubner, is a continuation of this exploration. The Upside of Quitting explores why people will stay in a job even though they don’t like it and why people who seemingly have a great job quit. They examine whether “Quitters never win and winners never quit” is really a good thing to be telling people when it comes to a job, if quitting just might be a good strategic choice and a good plan, and most importantly, how our past investments keep us where we are.
To help us understand quitting, we look at a couple of key economic concepts in this episode: sunk cost and opportunity cost. Sunk cost is about the past – it’s the time or money or sweat equity you’ve put into a job or relationship or a project, and which makes quitting hard. Opportunity cost is about the future. It means that for every hour or dollar you spend on one thing, you’re giving up the opportunity to spend that hour or dollar on something else – something that might make your life better. If only you weren’t so worried about the sunk cost. If only you could …. quit.
For me, having put a great deal of time and effort into the sunk costs for education, I didn’t think there were any other options for me. However, over time I realized that all I was doing was limiting myself if I continue to knock at only one door. Through a series of events, I found myself in a position where I decided I needed to give myself a push to make change. So, on May 4th, 2013 I sent in my resignation even though I had no other job nor was I certain what was to come. Instead, I was going with the “gut feeling” that such a move was going to be the beginning of a new and wonderful adventure.
Quitting isn’t for everyone but it is for some people. Too often, as both Jiang and Dubner point out, we limit ourselves because we are afraid of rejection, of failing, of looking to other options and not trying. We are afraid of people saying to us
“Why would you do such a thing? I could never do that, it’s too risky. What about you pension?
Like so many, I was working in order to put in time so that at some date in the future I could retire and start living and doing the things I wanted to do. By stepping out of the rut, I pushed myself to look at life and what I was doing from a new perspective.
It’s Not Easy to Fail
I imagine many people have seen different versions of this. Or heard that schools and teachers need to be risk takers and innovators in environments of trust and safety. It’s easy to say –
“Take risks. Fail fast. Be innovative”
It’s completely another to actually take risks, “fail forward” or innovate. That’s hard. Really hard. Harder than most people will let on.
Seth Godin in Icarus Deception discusses how our Lizard Brain, that portion of the brain that developed for survival, is still keeping us from taking risks because risks are scary, lead to failure and failure leads to pain which is to be avoided. It’s easy to say we need to take risks and be risk takers but, in reality, many people would rather stay in a situation that was not doing them any good rather than venture into the unknown and change. Recent studies show that approximately 60% of employees worldwide are disengaged from their work but many stay where they are rather than make a big change. Like Jia Jiang, fear keeps many people from striking out on their own or taking risks. In a society where playing it safe is the norm and taking chances is for a few select who are brave enough , suggesting that schools, places that have traditionally been slow to change and embrace innovation, do an sudden about face and becomes places of innovation, experimentation and embrace failure as learning is a tall order.
Yes, there are teachers who will embrace these concepts and a few schools will begin to blaze a trail of their own but without a titanic shift in the worldview of parents, many who are reluctant to allow their children to face too many negative experiences in their childhood, schools are in tough.
Tell A Different Story
If we want schools to be places of innovation, risk-taking, and experimentation where “fail forward” (whatever that actually means) is acceptable for students and teachers, then the stories of school must change. The current hierarchical system inhibits people who are innovators and risk-takers, both students and teachers, through policies of conforming and norming. If our stories are still similar to what they have always been about learning and school, how can things be much different?
My experience is that most teachers were pretty good students. The story that comes from school is very similar to what it has always been, to what the story was for them as students. As someone who hasn’t had that story, even my story as a teacher wasn’t similar to other teachers. Is it possible to change this story?
…. how we can change the story that is told about learning that will embrace risk, failure and change?
….. if people who call for more risk and change fully understand what they are asking of people in schools?
….. if we don’t change the story we tell about learning whether innovation and risk-taking can ever be part of a majority of schools?
…. if people who ask others to be risk-takers and change agents have ever faced their fears of rejection or know what it takes to step boldly to the edge of possibility and look around?
Ever watch a small child with something they have picked up? How they study it and become fascinated by what they are looking at? Or how they will watch insects just crawl around? If you’ve done this, then you know that it will be followed by questions. Many questions! Oh so many questions. But….. the wonder and awe…. and joy in those questions.
I’ve always been curious about the world. Growing up on a farm, I had so much freedom to roam, search and discover. Some of the discoveries were amazing – watching a calf being born or holding a small chick were amazing. Climbing trees to touch the sky and lying on the hill in the pasture just watching the clouds flow by …. wondering how they stayed up there. I was actually disappointed when I learned that I couldn’t ride one. Somewhere along the way, that curiosity slowly changed into wondering about how things worked – how does a motor run? Taking things apart to find out and then putting it back together to see if, indeed, it would still run led to fixing things which led to breaking things to see just how far to the edge things could be pushed. Yes, I know what the sound of a blown motor sounds like!
The wondering about changed but I was still curious. However, being curious and wanting to know why, asking questions isn’t always popular. Or desirable. I learned that asking why wasn’t necessarily a great trait in the system of education. Eventually the wonder wandered. It was gone for a while, replace by the search to fit in and move up.
I almost missed finding my wonder, almost gave up that the best that I could hope for was to mull around the edges of fitting in. I almost missed it because I was scared. As Jamie Forest explores in her post What’s holding you back? fear holds us back and gives us an excuse not to. It reminds us that being curious has consequences that might not be pleasant so we back off. It keeps us from exploring and wondering. As Jamie says about sharing our ideas:
Deep down, however, the dialogue is different. Who would want to read it? My ideas aren’t worth sharing. My ideas aren’t original. What if what I write doesn’t match what I mean? What if I get negative, or downright mean, feedback?
Fear keeps us from wondering and then creating. It holds us back and reminds us that it’s safe. “Let others take the chance. A few might succeed but so many fail” bounce around whenever we begin to flirt with the idea of publicly sharing our wonder. We rationalize our fear – use big data to defend it – “There’s only one Great One.” We strip away the awe, wonder and curiosity in order to be safe. We forget to look at the ants in awe and wonder, instead thinking “I hope they don’t move any closer to the house. That will be a pain to get rid of them.” We see problems and roadblocks, ways that disappointment will lead to hurt and pain. “I just want a normal life” becomes something we allow to seep into our thoughts as Fear gains hold. “Be safe. You might not like your job but it’s safe. The pension is good. It’s only 8 more years.”
Safe. Secure. Without Risk. Life in a box …… let someone else take the chance.
I Danced in the Rain
This year I spent every weekday morning with my son being a stay-at-home dad and
I FOUND MY WONDER!
There it was, dancing and splashing in the puddles on a rainy day. My first urge was to stop it. To remind it that there would be wet shoes and sticky shirts and, even worse, sticky underwear!
And then I joined in. Splashing, dancing and catching raindrops on my tongue. I didn’t care if the neighbours saw us. Since then I have skipped across parking lots, rolled in leaves, stared at ants, rolled in the snow, gotten wet, cold, muddy and sweaty. I’ve played and read, coloured and drawn.
But I was still afraid to share what I was doing. Afraid because that’s not what real men do.
And then I wandered with wonder to the edge, a place I hadn’t been in a long time for Fear had told me that to fit in, being near the edge wouldn’t work. But the box of wonder had been opened and the lid wouldn’t go back on.
Being Curious is Where It Starts
This week, ISTE has been filling my twitter feed with updates and blog posts about different things. Some are the excited and exhilarating tweets of people who have found their WONDER again. Mostly, they tweet about tools and different ways that this or that technology has them wondering. They are curious. They want to know more. Some are disappointed by the lack of a shift away from the tech and tools. I get that – I’m not often wowed any more by a tool. And it is important to remember that learning is about relationships – helping others to seek and learn, to fan the flame of curiosity, awe and wonder despite the adult desire to calculate, allocate and fixate on data. Tools can enhance the learning in many, many ways.
Seeing adults excited and rekindling their wonder is a start. Excited about Genius Hour, Maker Space, Flipped Classrooms, Problem Based Learning, Justice Education, Emotional Intelligence, etc – moving past their fear to wonder and explore. That’s good. It’s changes the story we are telling, which changes the language we use to discuss learning, which allows for a different story to begin to filter to others…..
Being curious is where it starts.
Helping spark that curiosity is a gift of sharing wonder. No, not all teachers are joining in the discussion. But it’s more than it was – and that’s good!
Jana Scott Lindsay’s post Thinking Beyond the Box explores some of the reasons why teachers don’t blog and share.
These are only some of the questions that would most likely surface:What would I say?Who would read what I wrote anyway?How will I react to negative feedback?What if no one reads what I wrote?Why would I want to share my thinking with others?In reality, these are very natural feelings. Ones that seem to plague us as a society, no matter what age or category we fall into. Fear and insecurity have been known to drive us not only towards that box, but force us to exist entirely within it for most of our lives. Feeling safe is sometimes more than a fallback, it becomes a necessity.
Please join us as we take on a new adventure- follow along here at #skblog15Today might be the day that begins a journey that you will look back on years from now and wonder why it took so long. Unless you are willing to go beyond the box, you just might never know.
No More Box
I will not be confined by the box of Fear
Nor the worry that others will not understand
That some will push back while others ignore
Will no longer stop my Wonder and Awe.
No Box will inhibit my search at the edge
Nor will Fear keep me back from moving along
Looking and dancing and skipping and seeing
It’s time to Bust Open the Box that disabled
Wonder and Awe are back on the table.